I don't do stand up comedy.

I am a comedian when it comes to tragedy. Funny thing is tragedy does not throw me not even a chuckle. Not a little "ha ha", or a giggle, or a smile. But that would be asking too much. I'm the comedian of tragedy I don't get the luxury of laughing it up.

I can't expose people

I can't expose people, literally speaking of course. If I could do that with my camera things could be shown and known. People would know, and we would all call it art. The human emotions and mind put on display for everyone to poke fun at and judge (it's what we're good at).

Practice

Standing there taking in all the moves she did, all that documentation being put away for future reference in my big file cabinet in my head. She was running after the ball, and passing it to the others. Also talking to the coaches and what not. I was impressed, a girl on an all boys soccer team. I just ponder on the thought of her orientation and if she might have caught me observing her. I hope she did maybe she might ask around and try to find me... but then again I should also think the same.

The Ring Leader That Leads My Life

CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND.. IT'S RAINING.

Ring Leader: "Ladies and gents and and children of all ages come see the one and only LESBIAN!!!"

My hearts racing and I can't focus, blah, blah, blah blah blah blleeeeeaah! That's what my mothers words meant to me. Nothing like the air I so desperately need.. simply nothing. I feel like a circus act right now roaming around from place to place, while on defence mode so I don't lose my sanity.

This day was the beginning of one the worse years I'll have of my short lived life of 17 years. From now on everything and anything that happens to me should not phase me at all. These are the things I ought to do to stay alive... :

- Eat your food. Take your pills. Don't hang out too late or you'll be called a hood rat. Be careful who you trust. Make sure you always keep warm. Stay in school, and study hard. Remember to breath, and to look both ways before crossing the street. Maintain yourself and listen to your peers. Stay on the defence even though everyone says to go back.

I'd rather not stay there, that fucking black hole sucking the little life I have. Everyday there is yelling and screaming, the finger points to me. ME, ME, ME. It's not my fault.. stop screaming at me. But instead I only say that in my head, I look past her shoulders as she continues to spit her fire into my face. Every breath I take full of the deadly fumes, I'm grasping for air but all I do is stand there and take it.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Mother: "So I raised three boys now! HA! Put your pants down let me see you god damn abomination"

-No mom, (I think to myself for a bit) you raised two beautiful girls and two dumb ass boys.

Mother: "Respond to me when I ask you a question. I want you out, your a disgrace to this family and me. You being like this is worse than your grandfathers death."

- Thinking in my head. Fine motherrrrrr I'll leave and hope your life is better without me in it.

So behold I am out of my house that use to be a home, my pad, crib the place I grew up in. I no longer feel the need to live under all that stress, as much as I love my mother but I dislike her just as much. My father, speak of him not, for he has made up his mind and could give two fucks what happens to me. I do regret leaving though my sister by herself, I live for her. She is the most important person to me and I need to stick around to finish guiding her through her innocent 12 year old life.

Come one, come all to my works worth life.

This feeling of stupidity, is it from all the yelling and screaming that they've done? All the shit that they have tried time and time again to implant in my head, but my body knowing whats good for it and whats not spits it back out like veggies in a five year olds terrified state of GREEN.
I'm compensating for the nights I cried myself to sleep wondering if I was mentally and emotionally strong enough to handle school and it's daylight dramas. Trading off what I've lost for some writing to see if I get any clear thoughts into my head. I'm a mess, thrown about like a rag doll. What does one do when their parents don't want them? Wouldn't every hated child love to know? I sure would.
I shouldn't be saying this but, lately I've been thinking of moving.. I know, I know I'm lucky to be living home at this moment. I just don't think home life should be this stressful, and make you feel worthy of dying young. My house is not a home, home has love and understanding not war and hate. I'm better off living elsewhere.

Among other things..

Among other things, like my home life and devotion to my field hockey team.. I'm losing my head over shit. I'm 17, and wondering, I'm 17 and pondering... I'm 17 and... and I just don't know anymore. Life as it was is no more and the future looks blurry and sore. Complications have jumped up at me without warning.. at all. I feel like giving out a scream of frustration, a loud expression of how I feel. It's as if I'm drowning in my troubles, whose going to be my lifeguard.. my helping hand?
I can't make up my mind either. I should or should not holler for help, give a warning or show some distress. For all the rest who have a great life and whatnot, here is my suggestion to you from me my little nanny suckers. Don't enlarge your teeny high school dramas, keep your thoughts that you know will hurt others to yourself, be a good person.. leave that I'm a gangster and thug shit for the losers and wannabes.
I'm not amused with my self, I'm in some serious need of enlightenment too. This shit is killing my focus and my creativity but.. I'm an artist and from pain and distress comes beauty and glorious wonders that can't be explained in one single sentence. Come again? That I'm totally insane and incapable of making sense.. well I've known that for ever.

This feeling of hopelessness is just for now.. it has to be for my sake. Among other things.... I'm feeling sound.