rubbing tears in the wound

Today I had you running through my mind. I almost called you again but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My eyes began to form what I’d call ‘little wishes’. One by one, they’d creep down my sullen cheek and hope to not meet my vengeful hand.

I’m not okay enough for that, and waiting in line is not my style.

I feel far and few in between.

As I grasp at my neck, gasping air, my mind stills wonders about you.

My self abandonment has taught me that I’d submerge myself… although I can’t swim I’d drown myself… (idk how that sounds) *reverse this/use someplace new*

Your heart is dear to me. I am a coward, and won’t ever tow myself across that line… xoxo.

- katbesame

Another Recession to Make You Feel Young Again

Per my last entry, I've had several jobs and every opportunity I took was a stepping stone to where I am now.

Once again looking for something that'll sustain me, propel me up and onward. I know I must do this myself.

Surprise, it's another recession but in my thirties instead of my twenties. In my opinion we didn't have enough time to even recuperate from the last recession. We didn't even have time to buy homes, establish ourselves in our careers, or even finish paying those loans. Albeit, Biden did cancel some people's loans. Not all but a good portion of college going people did have their student loans forgiven. 

Harris the vice president is running for President. I'm going to vote for the safety of the children and for myself. I feel certain that if she doesn't succeed Biden that our nation fate will be gone. It would be the end of the end. I hope we're ready for either outcome and that we stay safe. If we have to leave, then we must leave.

I'm working on getting a big grant and I hope we both get it. It would change our lives for the better.

I Want, Need, This, That, It, Is, C O N F O R M I T Y .

I want my city, my comfort zone, comfort foods, comfort family, comfort friends, comfort her, comfort now, need the comfort now, need want comfort comfort com-com-conformity.

It's important that I get it now, now, now, now, because I need it now. I this. I that. I need. This. I need. That. Need, now I get it now. Because I need it, that is now that I need, that I this, that I want, that I crave. 

I want to puke out my organs, and just dive into my. She is there, and I need that need that. Now that is what I need. I don't want to puke. I just want, need now that this, now.

I want to be away, need it, that this, not how just now.

Fiorelle La Guardia Mayor of New York from 1934 - 1945, his opinion on the prohibitions on marijuana and why it should be decriminalized.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36KLuAZd8Qk

Lion's, Tiger's and DUCK... Oh my?

I'm almost ready, I think. I think that I can, it feels like I could I just need to know that it's possible. That's impossible.

Being scared is what cripples me, being alone without her really kills me inside. All my cuts and bruises have healed around her. This I do know that to carefully detach her from my heart will injure me more than wrecking it all with one jerk.

I love her but I completely feel at fault for her insecurities, the fact is that I know she won't be able to move on from that. She needs to start fresh, I need to start new. No back tracking to past hoarders, no this has to be fresh and crisp. 

As I write in this blog I want you to know that this is not a declaration of a brake up, solely my opinion on my relationship.

With all the good intent in the world I should be saying this all to her but I write far better than when I speak. When I'm in groups I'm quite to myself, I seldom speak, I frequently think. For what it's worth I think about everything, I'm always inside my head keeping my life inside of me... these past few months I have changed.

A hair cut, less thinking inward and more speaking outward, channeling my heart and thoughts to more positive things. Also I decided I wanted a piercing, because I want people to see me for who I am on the inside, but to my exterior. I got the piercing.

Being told that you have changed, and then saying that you don't like it are two separate things. Yesterday those things came together and hurt my being. To be honest I'm not some tough chick, I'm an athlete and I like pain because with that I know to get stronger. But I'm not tough, I cry, I hurt, I'm sensitive like the soft places that I touch. I pour my heart, soul and flesh into my athleticism and artistry, into my frrrriends, into my familia, into my love. Into everything I do, kind of like when you fill an ice cube tray with water. 

Lion's tiger's and duck oh my! 

I fear for detachment, and I know it would be a journey to reassemble myself after such a wrenched lost.

Most of her friends hate me, my friends don't hate her... if we broke up my friends would leave me. They were my friends and because I fucked up those times I lose them unless I'm with her. After them I'm stuck with people that I don't know, I fear for losing friends, I fear losing her love, I fear losing her commitment, I fear losing her hugs & kisses, I fear losing her cute humour, I fear losing her sense of fashion, I fear losing our ideas together, our memories together, our dislikes, likes and the in betweens together, I fear not being able to talk to her because if were to brake up she would want it like that, I fear missing her smell, warmth, touch & feelings, I fear losing her family, I fear losing the empire that has been built over the years (it's small but still an empire), I fear waking up to empty arms, I fear going to sleep to empty arms, I fear being cold, I fear being left alone, I fear an empty heart, and I fear losing my mind. 

I sound dramatic and shit... right? Well this is how I feel, dramatic. Life, love, fear, and losing is dramatic. As mellow as it may be it is dramatic. Dramatic devastation to the hearts, to the people around the hearts for the bodies whose hearts were connected. A lot of blood is lost, it's dramatic.

Fuck you if you think I'm an emotional fuck, fuck you if you hate this blog. This is my life, why cast judge upon me? Read someone else s' blog if you think this smells like shit, and fuck you again for thinking that. Let a mother fucking chick smoke, and write her insides down so people can read it... fuck.

Sorry disregard that, I just REALLY wanted to write that! Ahaha! 

You and I are stuck and we can't ignore it anymore.

'You Are Super Hot!!!' - Courtney McDonald

Today is cold, today is gray and today with a chance of a shit storm in the evening is April 17, 2010. 

I woke up this dewy morning not wanting to get out of bed (like always), I just wanted to sleep in and relax. People, a great many of you may be thinking; "You are LAZY.", but I will justify this. Last night I did not go to sleep at my usual bed time, instead I indulged and hung out with the Lesbian.

Anyhow, I did not sleep well. Waking up every so often because of a strange dream takes a lot out of a person. Right now as I write this blog, I am very tired but I continue tapping the keys down because I feel like it.

It's really ugly out, and I can't help but think that it's better if I accidentally fall asleep and don't score the womenfolk's lacrosse game (it starts at 12:00pm). Ugh... this is chicken shit >. > (I'm so mature!)

Behind this napkin is the cutest little part of my day yesterday. I came into the cafe to get my brunch on and I sat with Friend1 and Friend2. When I sat I saw a group of four girls sitting at the table behind me, I didn't notice them too much except for the Digital SLR that one of them had.

I got my food, started eating and as I was finishing up one of the girls from behind me dropped this napkin next to me. Folded in two, I opened and instantly laughed because it is so fucking cute I couldn't take it. 

 

Mind you I contacted Courtney, introduced myself and thanked her, told her I was in a relationship. Then I face-booked her and now we are just friends.

Something like that, so small and quick really made my day. The littlest things make me happy, try it sometime. I try to do that for everyone I know.

[Insert Title Here]

These past few days I haven't really taken any photos that I actually like... I'll show you. You'll see what I mean, it wasn't the worst thing but I just didn't get inspired like I usually get.

Whenever I have these moments in time, these glitches of not know what to take a picture of next I become lost. My creativity just dips and doesn't come back a little while, I understand that as an artist there are times when we don't know what to do next. If getting lost in spite of being uninspired what we must do than let it be. I did not know that before, so I would force myself to take photos. Hundreds of them a day and I would go at it until I found just one that I liked. But then I thought about how I wasn't having any fun plowing my way through. The way I went about it was in a quantitative way instead of qualitative manner.

In English class one of the techniques that we get taught to do is that whenever your stuck and can't seem to write 'just write nonsense'. That means to, write out of your head, a train of thought kind of exercise. The idea is to stimulate your thoughts and get into a writing mode, but all that is very quantitative.

Never mind, hope I didn't bore you with my blab.

PS: I spelled 'smoke' wrong, oops!