Lion's, Tiger's and DUCK... Oh my?

I'm almost ready, I think. I think that I can, it feels like I could I just need to know that it's possible. That's impossible.

Being scared is what cripples me, being alone without her really kills me inside. All my cuts and bruises have healed around her. This I do know that to carefully detach her from my heart will injure me more than wrecking it all with one jerk.

I love her but I completely feel at fault for her insecurities, the fact is that I know she won't be able to move on from that. She needs to start fresh, I need to start new. No back tracking to past hoarders, no this has to be fresh and crisp. 

As I write in this blog I want you to know that this is not a declaration of a brake up, solely my opinion on my relationship.

With all the good intent in the world I should be saying this all to her but I write far better than when I speak. When I'm in groups I'm quite to myself, I seldom speak, I frequently think. For what it's worth I think about everything, I'm always inside my head keeping my life inside of me... these past few months I have changed.

A hair cut, less thinking inward and more speaking outward, channeling my heart and thoughts to more positive things. Also I decided I wanted a piercing, because I want people to see me for who I am on the inside, but to my exterior. I got the piercing.

Being told that you have changed, and then saying that you don't like it are two separate things. Yesterday those things came together and hurt my being. To be honest I'm not some tough chick, I'm an athlete and I like pain because with that I know to get stronger. But I'm not tough, I cry, I hurt, I'm sensitive like the soft places that I touch. I pour my heart, soul and flesh into my athleticism and artistry, into my frrrriends, into my familia, into my love. Into everything I do, kind of like when you fill an ice cube tray with water. 

Lion's tiger's and duck oh my! 

I fear for detachment, and I know it would be a journey to reassemble myself after such a wrenched lost.

Most of her friends hate me, my friends don't hate her... if we broke up my friends would leave me. They were my friends and because I fucked up those times I lose them unless I'm with her. After them I'm stuck with people that I don't know, I fear for losing friends, I fear losing her love, I fear losing her commitment, I fear losing her hugs & kisses, I fear losing her cute humour, I fear losing her sense of fashion, I fear losing our ideas together, our memories together, our dislikes, likes and the in betweens together, I fear not being able to talk to her because if were to brake up she would want it like that, I fear missing her smell, warmth, touch & feelings, I fear losing her family, I fear losing the empire that has been built over the years (it's small but still an empire), I fear waking up to empty arms, I fear going to sleep to empty arms, I fear being cold, I fear being left alone, I fear an empty heart, and I fear losing my mind. 

I sound dramatic and shit... right? Well this is how I feel, dramatic. Life, love, fear, and losing is dramatic. As mellow as it may be it is dramatic. Dramatic devastation to the hearts, to the people around the hearts for the bodies whose hearts were connected. A lot of blood is lost, it's dramatic.

Fuck you if you think I'm an emotional fuck, fuck you if you hate this blog. This is my life, why cast judge upon me? Read someone else s' blog if you think this smells like shit, and fuck you again for thinking that. Let a mother fucking chick smoke, and write her insides down so people can read it... fuck.

Sorry disregard that, I just REALLY wanted to write that! Ahaha! 

You and I are stuck and we can't ignore it anymore.